Who Taught You How to Love?

Who Taught You How to Love? Understanding the Pursuer–Withdrawer Cycle

By Dr. Adwoa, PhD

Have you ever stopped to think about where you learned how to love, communicate, or respond to conflict?

Was it from your parents, grandparents, or the relationships you witnessed growing up?

During my recent Family Health & Mental Wellness community discussion, we explored this question and how our early experiences can influence our adult relationships.

One concept I shared was the Pursuer–Withdrawer Cycle, a relationship pattern recognized in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) and studied in couples research.

What Is the Pursuer–Withdrawer Cycle?

Have you ever noticed that the more one person tries to talk about a problem, the more the other seems to pull away? The pursuer may seek reassurance, ask questions, or push for conversation because they feel emotionally disconnected. The withdrawer may become quiet, avoid difficult conversations, or create distance because they feel overwhelmed, criticized, or emotionally unsafe.

The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. Over time, this cycle can leave both partners feeling misunderstood, lonely, and disconnected. Research describes a closely related pattern as demand–withdraw communication (Christensen & Heavey, 1990).

What Does This Have to Do With How We Learned to Love?

From a Family Systems Theory perspective, we do not enter relationships without a history.

Our families and early experiences can influence how we express affection, respond to disagreements, manage emotions, and seek connection. For example, if you grew up in a home where conflict was avoided, you may have learned to withdraw when conversations become uncomfortable. If you experienced inconsistent emotional connection, you may find yourself seeking reassurance when a relationship feels distant. These are possibilities, not fixed rules. Our relationship responses can also be shaped by current stress, personality, and life experiences.

Sometimes, the way we learned to protect ourselves emotionally becomes the very pattern that prevents us from connecting with the people we love. Bowen Family Systems Theory helps us understand how family-of-origin experiences and emotional reactivity may influence these patterns.

Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) also help explain why people may respond differently when emotional connection feels threatened.

How Can We Start to Break the Cycle?

The good news is that relationship patterns can change.

Here are three ways to begin: Recognize the cycle. Instead of blaming your partner, identify the repetitive pattern that keeps you disconnected. Communicate the feelings beneath your reactions. Express loneliness, fear, or the need for reassurance without criticism or blame. Create space for healthy conversations. When emotions become overwhelming, take an agreed-upon break and return to the conversation with a willingness to listen. The goal is not to determine who is right or wrong. It is to understand how both partners’ responses may contribute to the cycle and how they can create healthier ways of connecting. These approaches are intended for relationships where both partners can communicate safely; abusive or coercive situations require a safety-focused response.

Why Does This Matter for Families and Children?

Children learn about relationships partly through observing the adults around them.

How caregivers communicate, manage conflict, express affection, and repair disagreements can influence children’s developing understanding of healthy relationships.

This brings us back to our original question: Who taught you how to love, and what are you teaching the next generation?

A Final Thought

Love is not simply about how much we care for someone. It is also about how we communicate, respond to emotional needs, and navigate difficult moments. Our past may influence how we love, but it does not have to determine our future. Healthy love is something we can continue learning.

Let’s Continue the Conversation!

I’d love for our community to reflect on this question:

When conflict happens in your relationships, do you tend to pursue connection, withdraw, or respond differently depending on the situation?

Share your thoughts. Your experiences may help someone else recognize a pattern in their own life.

References

• Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

• Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–81. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.1.73

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.

Educational content only. Not a substitute for individualized mental health care.